Create printable joke cards, bookmarks, or lunchbox notes!
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Boo
Don't cry, it's just a joke!
Lettuce
Lettuce in, it's cold out here!
Orange
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Cow says
No silly, cow says MOOO!
Interrupting cow
MOOOOO!
Who
I didn't know you were an owl!
Atch
Bless you!
Tank
You're welcome!
Olive
Olive you and I miss you!
Harry
Harry up and open the door!
Ice cream
Ice cream every time I see a spider!
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
A little old lady
I didn't know you could yodel!
Needle
Needle little help opening the door!
Doctor
That's my favorite show!
Dishes
Dishes me, who are you?
Justin
Justin time for dinner!
Spell
W-H-O!
Dozen
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Candy
Candy door open any faster?
Noah
Noah good place to eat around here?
Ketchup
Ketchup with me and I'll tell you!
Radio
Radio not, here I come!
Water
Water you doing in my house?
Alpaca
Alpaca the suitcase, you load the car!
Nana
Nana your business!
Broccoli
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly!
Cash
No thanks, I would rather have a peanut!
Figs
Figs the doorbell, I've been knocking forever!
Beets
Beets me, I forgot the rest of the joke!
Iva
Iva sore hand from all this knocking!
Amos
A mosquito bit me!
Anita
Anita borrow a pencil!
Cargo
Car go beep beep!
Butter
Butter let me in, it's chilly out here!
Honeybee
Honeybee a dear and open the door!
Yukon
Yukon say that again!
Wanda
Wanda hear another joke?
Luke
Luke through the window and you'll see!
Turnip
Turnip the music, it's a party!
Howard
Howard I know? I just got here!
Snow
Snow use, I forgot my key!
Adore
Adore is between us, so please open up!
Police
Police open the door, it's freezing!
Wire
Wire you asking me so many questions?
Waddle
Waddle I do if you don't open this door?
Pecan
Pecan somebody your own size!
Chicken
Chicken your pockets, I think you have my keys!
Bacon
Bacon a cake for your birthday!
Donut
Donut ask, it's a surprise!
Cereal
Cereal pleasure to meet you!
Mustache
Mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later!
Weekend
Weekend do anything we want!
Otto
Otto know, I completely forgot!
Lena
Lena little closer and I'll tell you!
Theodore
Theodore is stuck, can you help me push?
Abby
Abby birthday to you!
Isabel
Isabel broken? I had to knock!
Tuna
Tuna piano and it will sound much better!
Watson
Watson television tonight?
Sherwood
Sherwood like to come inside!
Havana
Havana great time, wish you were here!
Ada
Ada great big breakfast this morning!
Scold
Scold outside, please let me in!
Handsome
Handsome popcorn over here, please!
Alaska
Alaska my mom if I can come over!
Egg
Egg-cited to see you!
Dwayne
Dwayne the bathtub, it's overflowing!
Yolanda
Yolanda me a hand with this door?
Ken
Ken you help me carry all these bags?
Ice
Ice see you peeking through the window!
Kanga
Actually, it's kangaroo!
Goliath
Goliath down, you look sleepy!
Robin
Robin my hands together because it is cold!
Norma Lee
Norma Lee I have my key, but today I forgot it!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What do you call a fish without eyes?
A fsh!
Why don't elephants use computers?
Because they're afraid of the mouse!
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador!
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles!
What dinosaur had the best vocabulary?
The thesaurus!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!
What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
What do you call a cat who loves bowling?
An alley cat!
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop!
What do frogs like to drink?
Croak-a-Cola!
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
What animal is best at baseball?
A bat!
Why are spiders so good at the internet?
Because they're great at making websites!
What do you call a cold dog?
A chili dog!
Where do cows go for fun?
The moo-vies!
What do you call a fish with no fins?
Bob!
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because it's always spotted!
What type of bee can't make up its mind?
A maybe!
Why don't oysters share?
Because they're shellfish!
What do you call a dinosaur that crashes their car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks!
What do ducks put in their soup?
Quackers!
What subject do snakes like to study?
Hiss-tory!
Why don't bears wear shoes?
They prefer to go bear-foot!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why are giraffes slow to apologize?
It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride!
What do you call a funny chicken?
A comedi-hen!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
What do horses say when they fall down?
Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they're in black and white!
What do you call a gorilla with bananas in his ears?
Anything you want - he can't hear you!
Where do sheep get their hair cut?
At the baa-baa shop!
What is a crocodile's favorite card game?
Snap!
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer (no idea)!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
What do you call a monkey who loves chips?
A chipmunk!
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words!
Why can't a T-Rex clap?
Because its arms are far too short!
Why did the crab never share?
Because he was shellfish!
What do you call a cat that likes to swim?
A catfish!
Why did the cow cross the playground?
To get to the udder slide!
What do you call a bat that lives in a bell tower?
A ding-bat!
Why don't elephants chew gum?
They do, they just don't stick it under desks!
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor!
Why did the fly never land on the computer?
Because it was afraid of the web!
What do you call an owl that does magic?
Hoo-dini!
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!
Why did the dog sit in the shade?
Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!
Why do dogs turn in circles before they lie down?
Because it's hard to make the bed!
What do you call a puppy that just came in from the snow?
A slush puppy!
What do dogs eat at the movies?
Pupcorn!
Why did the dog cross the playground?
To get to the barking lot!
What is a dog's favorite kind of pizza?
Pup-peroni!
Why was the puppy such a good singer?
Because it could really howl a tune!
Why did the cat sit on the computer?
To keep an eye on the mouse!
What do you call a big pile of kittens?
A meow-ntain!
Why are cats such good storytellers?
Because they always have a tall tail!
What is a cat's favorite color?
Purr-ple!
What do cats wear to bed?
Paw-jamas!
Why don't cats play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A try-try-try-ceratops!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the P is silent!
What does a triceratops sit on?
Its tricera-bottom!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn't been invented yet!
What do you call a fossil that never wants to work?
Lazy bones!
How do you invite a T-Rex to lunch?
Tea, Rex?
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
A bronco-saurus!
What do you call a bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear!
Why do giraffes have such long necks?
Because their feet smell!
What do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailor!
Why did the sheep go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling a little baa-d!
What is a bunny's favorite kind of music?
Hip hop!
Why don't ants ever get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies!
What do you call a duck that gets all A's?
A wise quacker!
What do you call a squirrel that loves telling jokes?
A little nutty!
What do you call a fish that wears a bowtie?
So-fish-ticated!
Why did the elephant bring a suitcase to the zoo?
Because it wanted to pack its trunk!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well!
What did the pizza say to the photographer?
Cheese!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy!
What vegetable do you not want on a ship?
A leek!
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
Why can't eggs tell jokes?
Because they'd crack each other up!
What is a grape's favorite kind of music?
Anything with a good vine!
Why did the melon jump into the lake?
Because it wanted to be a watermelon!
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi!
What kind of key opens a banana?
A mon-key!
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner's on me!
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!
Why did the coffee call the police?
It got mugged!
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry!
Why did the bread break up with butter?
Because butter was always spreading rumors!
What do you call a running lettuce?
Fast food!
Why was the lemon upset?
Because its feelings were sour!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's pop corn?
What do you call a pie that's a martial arts expert?
Kung fu pie-ting!
Why did the apple go out with a prune?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What kind of vegetable is angry?
A steamed carrot!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was a marble cake!
What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread!
Why did the potato go to the party?
Because it was a hot potato!
What kind of nut always sneezes?
A cashew!
Why did the cucumber call for help?
Because it was in a pickle!
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi!
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling!
What did the pancake say to the waffle?
You're looking waffle-y good today!
Why did the loaf of bread go to the gym?
It wanted to get a little butter!
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZa!
Why did the yogurt go to the museum?
Because it was cultured!
What do you call a grilled cheese that gets right in your face?
Too cheesy!
Why did the candy go to school?
To become a Smartie!
What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's greetings!
What did the mummy tomato say to the baby tomato?
Ketchup!
What do you call a happy onion?
Tears of joy!
Why was the ice cream embarrassed?
Because it saw the banana split!
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato!
Why did the pear go on a date?
Because it couldn't find a better pear!
What did the hot dog say when it won the race?
I'm the wiener!
What do you call a carrot that talks back?
A fresh vegetable!
What do you call cheese that's hiding?
Dis-cheese!
Why did the gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
What do you call a lazy egg?
Egg-hausted!
Why is peanut butter such a great friend?
Because it sticks with you!
What did the soup say to the sandwich?
You're on a roll!
Why did the cake visit the doctor?
It was feeling a little crumby!
Why did the pizza maker go broke?
Because he just couldn't make enough dough!
What do you call a pizza that tells jokes?
Extra cheesy!
Why did the pizza go to school?
To get a little slice of education!
Why does everyone love the pizza cutter?
Because it's always on a roll!
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste!
What kind of pizza do dinosaurs order?
A tricera-topping!
What do you call a sad slice of pizza?
A little crusty!
Why did the banana wear sunscreen?
Because it was starting to peel!
What did the banana do when it saw the monkey coming?
It split!
Why do bananas never feel lonely?
Because they always hang out in bunches!
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
Looking gouda!
Why did the spaghetti go to the party?
Because it heard it would be pasta-tively fun!
What did the taco say to the burrito?
Let's wrap this up!
Why did the pretzel take a nap?
Because it was all twisted up!
Why did the watermelon have such a big wedding?
Because it cantaloupe!
Why did the marshmallow go to the campfire?
Because it wanted to get toasty!
Why did the sandwich go to the bank?
To get a little bread!
What did the pancake say to the syrup?
You make my day so much sweeter!
Why did the milk go to school?
To be pasteur-ized!
Why did the jelly visit the doctor?
Because it was feeling a bit shaky!
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
What did the paper say to the pencil?
Write on!
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because her class was so bright!
What subject is a witch best at?
Spell-ing!
Why did the book go to the hospital?
Because it had a broken spine!
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems!
What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hisss-tory!
Why did the clock get sent to detention?
Because it was tocking too much!
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point!
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
Because it's two-tired!
Why did the eraser go to the corner?
Because it made too many mistakes!
What do librarians take fishing?
Bookworms!
Why did the music note go to school?
To improve its scale!
What do you call a dinosaur who's a student?
A know-it-all-osaurus!
Why did gym class smell bad?
Because everyone was working out!
What did the calculator say to the student?
You can count on me!
Why didn't the nose make the soccer team?
Because it didn't get picked!
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet!
Why did the ruler fail the exam?
It couldn't measure up!
What did the science book say to the math book?
Wow, you've got problems!
Why did the report card go to the doctor?
It had too many bad marks!
What school supply is the king of the classroom?
The ruler!
Why did the student bring a ladder to school?
Because they wanted to go to high school!
What is a dinosaur's favorite subject?
Ancient history!
Why did the geography book fail?
It was lost!
Why did the glue fail the test?
Because it couldn't stick to the subject!
What did the pen say to the pencil?
What's your point?
Why did the teacher write on the window?
To make the lesson crystal clear!
What did the notebook say to the pencil?
You've got a good point!
Why did the scissors go to school?
To get a little cutting edge education!
What did the gym equipment say to the students?
Weight for it!
Why did the computer go to school?
To get more byte-sized knowledge!
What did the art teacher say to the lazy student?
Draw your own conclusions!
Why did the backpack feel so proud?
Because it was stuffed with knowledge!
Why did the cat sit at the front of the class?
Because it wanted to be the teacher's pet!
Why was the homework worried about Sunday?
Because it knew it would be left until bedtime!
What did the lunch lady say to the misbehaving food?
You'd butter behave!
Why did the crayon feel sad?
Because it was blue!
What did the history teacher say when she retired?
I'm history!
Why did the school bus have trouble?
Because it was tired from all the stops!
What did the marker say to the paper?
I'm really drawn to you!
Why did the student study on an airplane?
To get a higher education!
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's R, but it's the C!
Why did the dictionary go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't feeling well-defined!
What did the geometry teacher say to the misbehaving student?
You're out of line!
Why did the student do multiplication on the floor?
Because the teacher told him not to use tables!
Why did the teacher jump into the swimming pool?
Because she wanted to test the water!
Why was the teacher so popular at the bakery?
Because she was a great roll model!
What did the teacher say when the lights went out?
Well, this lesson has been very enlightening!
What is a teacher's favorite nation?
Expla-nation!
What did the globe say to the geography teacher?
You mean the world to me!
Why did the homework go to the gym?
Because it wanted to work out the problems!
Why did the student bring a mirror to the test?
Because he wanted to reflect on his answers!
Why did the homework feel dizzy?
Because it went in circles all night!
What did the pencil say to the homework?
Let's work this out together!
Why did the test go to the beach?
Because it needed a break from all the questions!
Why was the exam so tired?
Because it had been up all night being written!
Why did the student sit on the clock during the test?
Because he wanted to be on time!
Why did the crayon go to school?
To learn how to draw conclusions!
Why was the calculator such a good classmate?
Because you could always count on it!
Why wasn't the teddy bear hungry?
Because she was already stuffed!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!
What do clouds wear under their clothes?
Thunderwear!
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
What do you call a train that sneezes?
Achoo-choo train!
Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle!
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!
Why was the barn so noisy?
Because every cow in it was in a moo-d!
Why couldn't the pony sing?
Because it was a little hoarse!
What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper!
Why don't ghosts like rain?
It dampens their spirits!
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did the belt get arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
What do you call a factory that makes good products?
A satisfactory!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, I'll go on ahead!
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?
To see time fly!
What do you call a fairy that doesn't shower?
Stinkerbell!
Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter!
What do you call a witch at the beach?
A sand-witch!
Why did the moon skip dinner?
Because it was full!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Why was the broom late?
It over-swept!
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener!
Why did the rope go to the party?
To tie one on!
What building has the most stories?
A library!
Why did the banana use sunscreen?
Because it peels!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
Why was the sock so happy?
Because it finally found its perfect match!
Why did the egg tell a joke?
To crack everyone up!
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey!
Why did the mushroom bring an umbrella?
It did not want to get its cap wet!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A bagel!
Why did the strawberry call for help?
Because it was stuck in a jam!
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!
Why are ghosts bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them!
What do vampires eat for breakfast?
Scream of wheat!
Why don't mummies have friends?
Because they're too wrapped up in themselves!
What does a witch want when she stays at a hotel?
Broom service!
Why was the zombie such a good student?
Because it was dead-icated!
What do you call a monster that likes to dance?
The boogie man!
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop!
What room can a ghost not go into?
The living room!
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because they have terrible singing voices!
What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Why did the robot go on vacation?
To recharge its batteries!
What did the alien say to the garden?
Take me to your weeder!
Why did the spaceship go to school?
To improve its launch-guage skills!
What do planets like to read?
Comet books!
Why did the star go to timeout?
Because it was too bright!
What do astronauts eat for dinner?
Launch meat!
Why is a comet a bad party guest?
It always trails off!
What did Earth say to the other planets?
You guys have no life!
Why did the pirate go to school?
To improve his arrrticulation!
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it's R, but their heart belongs to the C!
Why are ninjas so good at school?
Because they're outstanding at stealth-y!
Which superhero is best at cooking?
Spider-Man, he's great with webs... and eggs!
Why did the basketball player go to jail?
Because he shot the ball!
What did the soccer ball say to the player?
I get a kick out of you!
Why did the tennis player never get married?
Because love means nothing to them!
What sport do kangaroos love most?
Hop-scotch!
Why did the music teacher bring a ladder?
To reach the high notes!
What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell!
Why did the phone wear glasses?
Because it lost all its contacts!
What did the tree say to the wind?
Leaf me alone!
Why do flowers never drive?
They always petal too slowly!
What did one raindrop say to the other?
Two's company, three's a cloud!
Why did the sun never go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
What do you call a running nose?
Catch it, it's getting away!
Why is the calendar so popular?
Because it has a lot of dates!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed!
Why did the tissue dance?
Because it had a little boogie in it!
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up!
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth-pics!
Why did the tennis player get in trouble?
Because she was making too much racket!
What did the big mountain say to the earthquake?
It's not my fault!
Why was the equal sign so humble?
Because it knew it was never greater or less than anyone else!
What did the nose say to the finger?
Stop picking on me!
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious!
Why did the barber win the race?
Because he took a short cut!
What did the blanket say to the bed?
I've got you covered!
Why did the student bring scissors to school?
To cut class!
What do you call a banana that loves to dance?
A banana shake!
What did the beach say when the tide came in?
Long time no sea!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
To get to the other side of the bed!
What do you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers!
Why does the calendar have so many friends?
Because it is covered in dates!
What kind of hair does the ocean have?
Wavy!
Why was the balloon nervous near the needle?
It didn't want to be a pop star!
What did the window say to the door?
I can see right through you!
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles, because there is a whole mile between the first letter and the last!
What has hands but can't clap?
A clock!
What has a head and a tail but no body?
A coin!
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
What goes up but never comes down?
Your age!
What has words but never speaks?
A book!
What has legs but can't walk?
A table!
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel!
What has teeth but can't bite?
A comb!
What runs but never walks?
Water!
What has an eye but can't see?
A needle!
What has keys but no locks?
A piano!
What has a neck but no head?
A bottle!
What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
A stamp!
What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive?
A glove!
What can fill a room but takes up no space?
Light!
What comes down but never goes back up?
Rain!
What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?
Your name!
What has bark but no bite?
A tree!
What breaks but never falls, and falls but never breaks?
Day and night!
What can you hold without touching it?
A conversation!
What has cities but no houses, forests but no trees, and water but no fish?
A map!
What can you break without touching it?
A promise!
What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A bed!
What has holes but still holds water?
A sponge!
What gets bigger the more you take away?
A hole!
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs!
I can run but never walk, have a mouth but never talk. What am I?
A river!
What can go through a door without opening it?
A keyhole!
What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?
Wrong!
What has many rings but no fingers?
A telephone!
What invention lets you look right through a wall?
A window!
What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield!
What starts with E, ends with E, but has only one letter?
An envelope!
What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters?
Short!
What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
A penny!
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
The letter M!
I am not alive, but I grow. I have no lungs, but I need air. What am I?
Fire!
What kind of room has no doors or windows?
A mushroom!
What has to be broken before you can use it?
An egg!
What gets sharper the more you use it?
Your brain!
What can fly without wings?
Time!
What month has 28 days?
All of them!
What can be cracked, made, told, and played?
A joke!
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A coat of paint!
What is full of holes but still holds a lot?
A net!
What goes up and down but never moves?
A staircase!
What kind of tree can you hold in your hand?
A palm tree!
What has a neck and two arms but no hands?
A shirt!
What is easy to get into but hard to get out of?
Trouble!
What kind of band never plays any music?
A rubber band!
What is always in front of you but can never be seen?
The future!
What can you keep even after you give it to someone?
Your word!
Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary!
What has 13 hearts but no other body parts?
A deck of cards!
What is black and white and read all over?
A newspaper!
What can go up a chimney down, but cannot go down a chimney up?
An umbrella!
What kind of dog never bites?
A hot dog!
What loses its head every morning and gets it back at night?
A pillow!
What kind of table can you eat?
A vegetable!
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W!
What has a foot but no legs?
A snail!
What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside it?
A teapot!
What has a horn but never plays a song?
A rhinoceros!
What kind of nut has no shell?
A doughnut!
What runs around a whole yard without ever moving?
A fence!
What has feet but no toes?
A ruler!
Which is heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?
Neither, they weigh exactly the same!
What five-letter word sounds the same after you take away four letters?
Queue!
What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?
Silence!
What can jump higher than a building?
Anything, because buildings cannot jump!
What is always coming but never actually arrives?
Tomorrow!
What kind of bow is impossible to tie?
A rainbow!
What kind of bank never keeps any money?
A river bank!
What kind of shoes do secret agents wear?
Sneakers!
What do you throw out when you want to use it and take in when you don't?
An anchor!
What kind of cup cannot hold any water?
A cupcake!
What has a heart that never beats?
An artichoke!
What kind of driver never needs a license?
A screwdriver!
What has lots of teeth but never visits the dentist?
A zipper!
What gets whiter the dirtier it gets?
A chalkboard!
What five-letter word has only one left when you take two letters away?
Stone!
What has words but no pages and no cover?
A song!
What always goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse!
What can you make that nobody can ever see?
Noise!
What has four eyes but cannot see a thing?
Mississippi!
What kind of fish is worth the most money?
A goldfish!
What has a head like a cat, feet like a cat, and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?
A kitten!
What kind of dog loves taking a bath?
A shampoodle!
Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like a banana!
I used to hate math...
But then I realized decimals have a point!
Why are broken pencils pointless?
Because they're broken pencils!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...
It's impossible to put down!
I'm talking to my calendar...
Its days are numbered!
What do you think about velcro?
It's a rip-off!
What's great about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels!
The past, present, and future walked into a room...
It was tense!
What do you call it when you have heard a cow joke before?
Deja moo!
How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tearable!
What did the belt say to the pants?
I've got you covered around the waist!
What's a shoe's favorite joke?
One that's laced with humor!
Why was the battery feeling down?
It had too much negativity and not enough positivity!
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Why are bakers so good at maths?
Because they always know how to read a pie chart!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job?
He couldn't see himself doing it!
What do you call a dinosaur with an enormous vocabulary?
A thesaurus!
Why did the clock go back for seconds?
Because it was still hungry!
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time!
I have a joke about music stuck in my head...
But I can't get it out of my mind!
What's the best thing about a broken drum?
You can't beat it!
What do you call a rabbit that tells brilliant jokes?
A funny bunny!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts!
Why was the calendar feeling down?
Its days were numbered and it felt dated!
Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal!
Why did the computer catch a cold?
It left its Windows open!
Why did the light bulb fail the test?
Because it wasn't very bright!
What did the candle say to the birthday cake?
You're really lighting up my life!
Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke?
It might crack up!
What's the pencil's relationship with the sharpener?
They have a point to make together!
Why was the electrician always shocked?
Because his work was so electrifying!
Why is a stadium always cool?
Because it's full of fans!
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
He needed more space!
Why did the musician get into trouble?
Because she got into treble!
Why did the window do a bad job?
It was too pane-ful to watch!
Why was the pillow always sleepy?
Because it was a little down!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
Why is Santa so good at karate?
Because he has a black belt!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph!
Why can't Christmas trees sew?
They always drop their needles!
What's a snowman's favorite snack?
Ice Krispie treats!
Why does Santa go down chimneys?
Because it soots him!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
Knock knock! Who's there? Mary. Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What falls but never gets hurt?
Snow!
Why is Rudolph's nose so red?
Because he has a cold from flying in the snow!
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked at the sky?
Looks like rain, dear!
What does a gingerbread man use to make his bed?
Cookie sheets!
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle!
Why did the ghost go to the party?
For the boos!
What's a mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap music!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing ever gets under their skin!
How does a witch tell the time?
With a witch watch!
What is a vampire's least favorite meal?
A steak dinner!
What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
I scream!
Pumpkin
Pumpkin up the volume, it is a Halloween party!
What do birds say on Halloween?
Trick or tweet!
Why did the jack-o'-lantern wear a helmet?
He wanted to be ahead of the game!
What's a monster's favorite food?
Ghoul-ash!
Why did the zombie stay home from school?
He felt rotten!
What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone appetit!
What is a pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange!
How does Dracula keep fit?
He does lots of Bite-lates!
Why are spiders great at computers?
Because they're always on the web!
What do you call an elf who can sing?
A wrapper!
What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
This one will sleigh you!
What's a snowman's favorite lunch?
An ice-burger!
Why is the Christmas elf always happy?
Because he's always elfie-steem!
What do snowmen eat for dinner?
Chilli!
Why did the ornament go to the hospital?
It had too many hang-ups!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claws!
Knock knock! Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow use, I forgot my name again!
Why does Santa have such a long beard?
Because he's bad at shaving!
What do snowmen call their mom and dad?
Mom and Popsicle!
What does a werewolf eat for dinner?
Nothing, they only eat at night!
What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boo-jeans!
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind!
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray!
What's a ghost's favorite position in soccer?
Ghoul-ie!
Knock knock! Who's there? Phillip. Phillip who?
Phillip my bag with candy!
What do vampires fear most?
Tooth decay!
Why is pumpkin pie so popular at Thanksgiving and Halloween?
Because it's gourd-geous!
What is a skeleton's favorite instrument?
The trom-bone!
What room does a ghost not need?
A living room!