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Create printable joke cards, bookmarks, or lunchbox notes!
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Boo
Don't cry, it's just a joke!
Lettuce
Lettuce in, it's cold out here!
Orange
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Cow says
No silly, cow says MOOO!
Interrupting cow
MOOOOO!
Who
I didn't know you were an owl!
Atch
Bless you!
Tank
You're welcome!
Olive
Olive you and I miss you!
Harry
Harry up and open the door!
Ice cream
Ice cream every time I see a spider!
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
A little old lady
I didn't know you could yodel!
Needle
Needle little help opening the door!
Doctor
That's my favorite show!
Dishes
Dishes me, who are you?
Justin
Justin time for dinner!
Spell
W-H-O!
Dozen
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Candy
Candy door open any faster?
Noah
Noah good place to eat around here?
Ketchup
Ketchup with me and I'll tell you!
Radio
Radio not, here I come!
Water
Water you doing in my house?
Alpaca
Alpaca the suitcase, you load the car!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What do you call a fish without eyes?
A fsh!
Why don't elephants use computers?
Because they're afraid of the mouse!
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
Because she'll let it go!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work!
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador!
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!
How do you make an octopus laugh?
With ten-tickles!
What dinosaur had the best vocabulary?
The thesaurus!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!
What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
What do you call a cat who loves bowling?
An alley cat!
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop!
What do frogs like to drink?
Croak-a-Cola!
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
What animal is best at baseball?
A bat!
Why are spiders so good at the internet?
Because they're great at making websites!
What do you call a cold dog?
A chili dog!
Where do cows go for fun?
The moo-vies!
What do you call a fish with no fins?
Bob!
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because it's always spotted!
What type of bee can't make up its mind?
A maybe!
Why don't oysters share?
Because they're shellfish!
What do you call a dinosaur that crashes their car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks!
What do ducks put in their soup?
Quackers!
What subject do snakes like to study?
Hiss-tory!
Why don't bears wear shoes?
They prefer to go bear-foot!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Why are giraffes slow to apologize?
It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride!
What do you call a funny chicken?
A comedi-hen!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
What do horses say when they fall down?
Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up!
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they're in black and white!
What do you call a gorilla with bananas in his ears?
Anything you want - he can't hear you!
Where do sheep get their hair cut?
At the baa-baa shop!
What do you call a crocodile that's a detective?
An investi-gator!
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer (no idea)!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
What do you call a monkey who loves chips?
A chipmunk!
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words!
What do you call a sleeping T-Rex?
Why did the crab never share?
Because he was shellfish!
What do you call a cat that likes to swim?
A catfish!
Why did the cow cross the playground?
To get to the udder slide!
What animal is always at a baseball game?
Why don't elephants chew gum?
They do, they just don't stick it under desks!
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor!
Why did the fly never land on the computer?
Because it was afraid of the web!
What do you call an owl that does magic?
Hoo-dini!
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well!
What did the pizza say to the photographer?
Cheese!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy!
What vegetable do you not want on a ship?
A leek!
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
Why can't eggs tell jokes?
Because they'd crack each other up!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Why did the melon jump into the lake?
Because it wanted to be a watermelon!
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi!
What kind of key opens a banana?
A mon-key!
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner's on me!
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!
Why did the coffee call the police?
It got mugged!
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry!
Why did the bread break up with butter?
Because butter was always spreading rumors!
What do you call a running lettuce?
Fast food!
Why was the lemon upset?
Because its feelings were sour!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's pop corn?
What do you call a pie that's a martial arts expert?
Kung fu pie-ting!
Why did the apple go out with a prune?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What kind of vegetable is angry?
A steamed carrot!
Why did the cupcake go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy!
What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread!
Why did the potato go to the party?
Because it was a hot potato!
What kind of nut always sneezes?
A cashew!
Why did the cucumber call for help?
Because it was in a pickle!
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wasabi!
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling!
What did the pancake say to the waffle?
You're looking waffle-y good today!
Why did the bread feel bad?
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZa!
Why did the yogurt go to the museum?
Because it was cultured!
What do you call a grilled cheese that gets right in your face?
Too cheesy!
Why did the candy go to school?
To become a Smartie!
What did the salt say to the pepper?
Season's greetings!
Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
What do you call a happy onion?
Tears of joy!
Why was the ice cream embarrassed?
Because it saw the banana split!
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato!
Why did the pear go on a date?
Because it couldn't find a better pear!
What did the hot dog say when it won the race?
I'm the wiener!
Why did the carrot blush?
What do you call cheese that's hiding?
Dis-cheese!
Why did the gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
What do you call a lazy egg?
Egg-hausted!
Why is peanut butter such a great friend?
Because it sticks with you!
What did the soup say to the sandwich?
You're on a roll!
Why did the cake visit the doctor?
It was feeling a little crumby!
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
What did the paper say to the pencil?
Write on!
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because her class was so bright!
What subject is a witch best at?
Spell-ing!
Why did the book go to the hospital?
Because it had a broken spine!
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems!
What is a snake's favorite subject?
Hisss-tory!
Why did the clock get sent to detention?
Because it was tocking too much!
What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point!
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
Because it's two-tired!
Why did the eraser go to the corner?
Because it made too many mistakes!
What do librarians take fishing?
Bookworms!
Why did the music note go to school?
To improve its scale!
What do you call a dinosaur who's a student?
A know-it-all-osaurus!
Why did gym class smell bad?
Because everyone was working out!
What did the calculator say to the student?
You can count on me!
Why didn't the nose make the soccer team?
Because it didn't get picked!
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet!
Why did the ruler fail the exam?
It couldn't measure up!
What did the science book say to the math book?
Wow, you've got problems!
Why did the report card go to the doctor?
It had too many bad marks!
What school supply is the king of the classroom?
The ruler!
Why did the student bring a ladder to school?
Because they wanted to go to high school!
What do you call a dinosaur that's bored at school?
Why did the geography book fail?
It was lost!
Why did the glue fail the test?
Because it couldn't stick to the subject!
What did the pen say to the pencil?
What's your point?
Why did the teacher write on the window?
To make the lesson crystal clear!
What did the notebook say to the pencil?
You've got a good point!
Why did the scissors go to school?
To get a little cutting edge education!
What did the gym equipment say to the students?
Weight for it!
Why did the computer go to school?
To get more byte-sized knowledge!
What did the art teacher say to the lazy student?
Draw your own conclusions!
Why did the backpack feel so proud?
Because it was stuffed with knowledge!
What is a cat's favorite subject?
Why did the homework cry?
What did the lunch lady say to the misbehaving food?
You'd butter behave!
Why did the crayon feel sad?
Because it was blue!
What did the history teacher say when she retired?
I'm history!
Why did the school bus have trouble?
Because it was tired from all the stops!
What did the marker say to the paper?
I'm really drawn to you!
Why did the student study on an airplane?
To get a higher education!
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's R, but it's the C!
Why did the dictionary go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't feeling well-defined!
What did the geometry teacher say to the misbehaving student?
You're out of line!
Why wasn't the teddy bear hungry?
Because she was already stuffed!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!
What do clouds wear under their clothes?
Thunderwear!
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing!
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!
What do you call a train that sneezes?
Achoo-choo train!
Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A puddle!
Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed!
What has ears but can't hear?
A cornfield!
Why couldn't the pony sing?
Because it was a little hoarse!
What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it!
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
Why did the belt get arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants!
What do you call a factory that makes good products?
A satisfactory!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long?
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, I'll go on ahead!
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?
To see time fly!
What do you call a fairy that doesn't shower?
Stinkerbell!
Why did the sun go to school?
To get brighter!
What do you call a witch at the beach?
A sand-witch!
Why did the moon skip dinner?
Because it was full!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Why was the broom late?
It over-swept!
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener!
Why did the rope go to the party?
To tie one on!
What building has the most stories?
A library!
Why did the banana use sunscreen?
Because it peels!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Why did the orange stop rolling?
Because it ran out of juice!
Why did the egg tell a joke?
To crack everyone up!
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey!
Why did the mushroom get invited to every party?
Because he was a fun-gi!
What do you call a dog magician?
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it got mugged!
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A bagel!
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk!
Why are ghosts bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them!
What do vampires eat for breakfast?
Scream of wheat!
Why don't mummies have friends?
Because they're too wrapped up in themselves!
What does a witch want when she stays at a hotel?
Broom service!
Why was the zombie such a good student?
Because it was dead-icated!
What do you call a monster that likes to dance?
The boogie man!
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop!
What room can a ghost not go into?
The living room!
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because they have terrible singing voices!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Frostbite!
Why did the robot go on vacation?
To recharge its batteries!
What did the alien say to the garden?
Take me to your weeder!
Why did the spaceship go to school?
To improve its launch-guage skills!
What do planets like to read?
Comet books!
Why did the star go to timeout?
Because it was too bright!
What do astronauts eat for dinner?
Launch meat!
Why is a comet a bad party guest?
It always trails off!
What did Earth say to the other planets?
You guys have no life!
Why did the pirate go to school?
To improve his arrrticulation!
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it's R, but their heart belongs to the C!
Why are ninjas so good at school?
Because they're outstanding at stealth-y!
Which superhero is best at cooking?
Spider-Man, he's great with webs... and eggs!
Why did the basketball player go to jail?
Because he shot the ball!
What did the soccer ball say to the player?
I get a kick out of you!
Why did the tennis player never get married?
Because love means nothing to them!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
Why did the music teacher bring a ladder?
To reach the high notes!
What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell!
Why did the phone wear glasses?
Because it lost all its contacts!
What did the tree say to the wind?
Leaf me alone!
Why do flowers never drive?
They always petal too slowly!
What did one raindrop say to the other?
Two's company, three's a cloud!
Why did the sun never go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
What do you call a running nose?
Catch it, it's getting away!
Why is the calendar so popular?
Because it has a lot of dates!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed!
Why did the tissue dance?
Because it had a little boogie in it!
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up!
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth-pics!
Why did the golfer wear two pants?
What did the big mountain say to the earthquake?
It's not my fault!
Why can't you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
What did the nose say to the finger?
Stop picking on me!
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious!
Why did the barber win the race?
Because he took a short cut!
What did the blanket say to the bed?
I've got you covered!
Why did the student bring scissors to school?
To cut class!
Why did the banana go to the hospital?
Because it wasn't peeling very well!
What did the beach say when the tide came in?
Long time no sea!
Why did the pillow cross the road?
To get to the other side of the bed!
What do you call two bananas?
A pair of slippers!
Why did the lamp fail the test?
It wasn't very bright!
What did the water say to the boat?
Why was the balloon nervous near the needle?
It didn't want to be a pop star!
What did the window say to the door?
I can see right through you!
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had so many problems!
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
What has hands but can't clap?
A clock!
What has a head and a tail but no body?
A coin!
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
What goes up but never comes down?
Your age!
What has words but never speaks?
A book!
What has legs but can't walk?
A table!
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel!
What has teeth but can't bite?
A comb!
What runs but never walks?
Water!
What has an eye but can't see?
A needle!
What has keys but no locks?
A piano!
What has a neck but no head?
A bottle!
What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?
A stamp!
What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive?
A glove!
What can fill a room but takes up no space?
Light!
What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?
Your name!
What has bark but no bite?
A tree!
What breaks but never falls, and falls but never breaks?
Day and night!
What can you hold without touching it?
A conversation!
What has cities but no houses, forests but no trees, and water but no fish?
A map!
What can you break without touching it?
A promise!
What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
A bed!
What has holes but still holds water?
A sponge!
What gets bigger the more you take away?
A hole!
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs!
I can run but never walk, have a mouth but never talk. What am I?
A river!
What can go through a door without opening it?
A keyhole!
What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?
Wrong!
What has many rings but no fingers?
A telephone!
What invention lets you look right through a wall?
A window!
What has ears but cannot hear?
What starts with E, ends with E, but has only one letter?
An envelope!
What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters?
Short!
What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
A penny!
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
The letter M!
I am not alive, but I grow. I have no lungs, but I need air. What am I?
Fire!
What kind of room has no doors or windows?
A mushroom!
What has hands and a face but can't hold anything or smile?
What gets sharper the more you use it?
Your brain!
What can fly without wings?
Time!
What month has 28 days?
All of them!
What can be cracked, made, told, and played?
A joke!
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Time flies like an arrow...
Fruit flies like a banana!
I used to hate math...
But then I realized decimals have a point!
Why are broken pencils pointless?
Because they're broken pencils!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...
It's impossible to put down!
I'm talking to my calendar...
Its days are numbered!
What do you think about velcro?
It's a rip-off!
What's great about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels!
The past, present, and future walked into a room...
It was tense!
Why did everyone invite the mushroom to the party?
Because he's a fungi (fun guy)!
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tearable!
What did the belt say to the pants?
I've got you covered around the waist!
What's a shoe's favorite joke?
One that's laced with humor!
Why was the battery feeling down?
It had too much negativity and not enough positivity!
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
What happened when the bakery caught fire?
The business went up in smoke... but the desserts were to die for!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job?
Why did the golfer bring extra pants?
Why did the clock go back for seconds?
Because it was still hungry!
Why can your nose never be 12 inches long?
I have a joke about music stuck in my head...
But I can't get it out of my mind!
What's the best thing about a broken drum?
You can't beat it!
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts!
Why was the calendar feeling down?
Its days were numbered and it felt dated!
Why did the tree go to the dentist?
To get a root canal!
Why did the computer catch a cold?
It left its Windows open!
Why did the light bulb fail the test?
Because it wasn't very bright!
What did the candle say to the birthday cake?
You're really lighting up my life!
Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke?
It might crack up!
What's the pencil's relationship with the sharpener?
They have a point to make together!
Why was the electrician always shocked?
Because his work was so electrifying!
Why is a stadium always cool?
Because it's full of fans!
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
He needed more space!
Why was the broom late for work?
Why did the window do a bad job?
It was too pane-ful to watch!
Why was the pillow always sleepy?
Because it was a little down!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
Why is Santa so good at karate?
Because he has a black belt!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph!
Why can't Christmas trees sew?
They always drop their needles!
What's a snowman's favorite snack?
Ice Krispie treats!
Why does Santa go down chimneys?
Because it soots him!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Knock knock! Who's there? Mary. Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What falls but never gets hurt?
Snow!
Why is Rudolph's nose so red?
Because he has a cold from flying in the snow!
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked at the sky?
Looks like rain, dear!
What does a gingerbread man use to make his bed?
Cookie sheets!
How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle!
Why did the ghost go to the party?
For the boos!
What's a mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap music!
He had no body to go with!
What's a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
He was caught drinking on the job!
What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
I scream!
Knock knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who?
What do birds say on Halloween?
Trick or tweet!
Why did the jack-o'-lantern wear a helmet?
He wanted to be ahead of the game!
What's a monster's favorite food?
Ghoul-ash!
Why did the zombie stay home from school?
He felt rotten!
What do skeletons say before eating?
Bone appetit!
Why is the scarecrow great at Halloween?
Because he's outstanding in his field!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange!
How does Dracula keep fit?
He does lots of Bite-lates!
Why are spiders great at computers?
Because they're always on the web!
What do Santa's little helpers learn in school?
Which reindeer needs to work on his manners?
What's a snowman's favorite lunch?
An ice-burger!
Why is the Christmas elf always happy?
Because he's always elfie-steem!
What do snowmen eat for dinner?
Chilli!
Why did the ornament go to the hospital?
It had too many hang-ups!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claws!
Knock knock! Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow use, I forgot my name again!
Why does Santa have such a long beard?
Because he's bad at shaving!
What do snowmen call their mom and dad?
Mom and Popsicle!
What does a werewolf eat for dinner?
Nothing, they only eat at night!
What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boo-jeans!
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind!
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray!
What's a ghost's favorite position in soccer?
Ghoul-ie!
Knock knock! Who's there? Phillip. Phillip who?
Phillip my bag with candy!
What do vampires fear most?
Tooth decay!
Why is pumpkin pie so popular at Thanksgiving and Halloween?
Because it's gourd-geous!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
He had no body to dance with!
What room does a ghost not need?
A living room!